Tuesday, November 2, 2010

To Be? or Not to be? a Mom that is...

It's that time of year again, when all the crazy thoughts start creeping up again.  My mind starts spinning, the ideas start forming n my head, and I start to drive myself crazy with the question... Should we or shouldn't we try to conceive AGAIN??? My husband and I tried to conceive for over twelve years before we got lucky with the gremlins.  These were long, painful, and depressing years.  A very dark time for us, well for me anyhow.  There really isn't much that can compare, and if you haven't been there, I don't expect you to understand, and appreciate your patience as I vent... bwahahahaha... Infertility is a tricky creature, especially when there really is NO answers, no definitive CAUSE, just the effect...




We were very lucky to get pregnant when we did, and I'm not ungrateful, I promise, it's just that sometimes, more often than I'd like to admit I go back to those crazy times. I see their growing faces, and although I adore them more than life itself, I miss my TINY gremlins.   I often think about having another one or two, but there are always a handful of excuses NOT to.   I also wonder if maybe it's just normal for parent once their offspring are growing up to have these little pangs of insecurity on whether to try for more or not?  I KNOW if we were 10 years younger there would be no hesitation, the answer would be YES YES YES... (but I also know those would have been 10 years I did not live through the agony of TTC... ) I think part of me is afraid to NOT be able to have another one... /sigh/  Maybe that's the root of this little conundrum?  But is it fair NOT to try?
I guess I'm just venting, and every year right around this time it gets very difficult and confusing for me.

I just think that wanting or trying for another one may be a selfish move for me... Am I wrong?
Maybe I should just be happy and count my blessings....

I keep thinking of the miscarriage I had 8 years ago, we were pregnant with Quintuplets, the fact that my husband retires in less than two years and we have NO idea what's in store for us, the AGE thing, ANOTHER multiple pregnancy, the fact that I was PETRIFIED every single day of my last pregnancy, because I believed something HAD to go wrong we were NOT worthy... AGAIN..I'm NO spring chicken... There are so many factors, but I keep coming back to the fact that I LOVE being a mom, that my husband is a GREAT daddy, that my husband was deployed through my entire first pregnancy, and I'd love to SHARE one with him, the smell of a baby, their sweet wrinkly little face, that, despite being miserably sick, and petrified, I LOVED my belly, the feeling of LIFE... That first smile, the cuddling.... Then I shift to the sleepless nights, the diapers, the feeding, starting over???/Sigh/...

I'm one confused mom...
I'll just chuck it up to the fact that the gremlins are turning three Saturday, and it's one more year behind us... I KNOW I can take that two ways and trust me I try VERY hard to put a positive spin on it, but I am and always have been a glass 1/2 empty kind of girl...




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4 comments:

  1. I always make these kind of decisions by deciding which one I would regret more. It sounds harsh but that's the only way to do it. I understand how you feel. I have 4 and I think I would love to have 2 more. But our lives are a little challenging right now so I know it wouldn't be a good time. It isn't selfish to want to be a mother - it's natural!

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  2. You know I have seven children, and you know we're the same age, too. :-) And I want to tell you that there is no such thing as too many babies, that there is no sacrifice too great to make for them, and that we are too old exactly when God says we are, and at that point He'll take away our fertility. There is no perfect time to have babies. There are always challenges outside of ourselves that we think will ruin the whole thing for us. But babies don't know hard times, only love, and it's always okay. (David retires in one more year and we don't know what we're going to do, either, but I'd still like to have another baby or two. I'm crazy in love with these kids!)

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  3. You are both soooo very right... I battle with this so often.. and Jennie.. you always know how to make me smile...

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  4. AWWWWWWWWWW! Babies! You just made my uterus ache! ;)

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